if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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