just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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