i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
