I want to make a zoo with you.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
there is puke in my bra ... again
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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