Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
