I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
