Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize