At least make sure they are 18
Why
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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