Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
