nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
