Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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