if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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