The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
3 2 1 whiskey
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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