My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
