I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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