I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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