I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize