Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Boobs speak an international language.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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