while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
