Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
