Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
