you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
