i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
