i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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