i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize