fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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