Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
