You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
