It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
