i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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