why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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