i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
