is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
