he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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