If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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