**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
