my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
