The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
