she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
