I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
