Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
