i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
