Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
