you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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