just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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