Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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