Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
