Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
