Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
