If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
