my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
