that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
