We won't sleep together?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize