my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
