I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
